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Thursday, April 18, 2013

I Am Me

I Am Me
I am me, no matter what I do.
I am me, but it's not who I want to be.
I am me, Matthew through and through.
I am me, when will everybody see?
 
I just want to be, another pretty boy.
I just want to be, the love of someones life
I just want to be, a bringer of great joy.
I just want to be, a success story alive.
 
And everything aside, I'm not a bad guy
And what I hide inside, feelings I can't express
And what they don't know, how hard I try.
And will I ever make it through this mess? Yes!
 
But I am not the poster child for perfect.
And I am not a very lovable person.
But you may know cause you might have heard it,
That I am not the me I want to be.

Kite-O-Flyo-phobia

Kite-O-Flyo-phobia

It's no secret that many of us have our own strange phobias.Nomophobia is the fear of not have cell service, Philophobia is the fear of falling in love, Somniphobia is the fear of falling asleep. Unlike all these phobias mine doesn't have a technical name. I refer to it as Kiteoflyophobia. The fear of flying kites. I'm not afraid of the actual kites. I love kites, Spongebob kites, Pokemon kites, Buzz Lightyear kites, and even the japanese kites. My fear starts once the kite gets up in the air. At first I'm good until the kite gets way high up and is being jerked around by the wind. My heart will beat like crazy and my stomach will start turning. I've never let the fear get to me but latley when I think about the kite up in the air I feel like im going crazy. I can feel the sensation as my heart starts beating faster, and my stomach gets a little queasy. I feel like the kites go pull me along with it, or i'm gonna lose control. I'm not sure if i've been feeling this latley because i'm stressed or i'm just crazy. I would love to hear about any strange fears or phobias you have. Leave a comment telling me all about it. :)

Stress, Sadness, and Action Figure Collection.

I'm so stressed. I woke up to the sound of my 6 foot Niall Horan poster falling off my wall. Then I had to pick off each individual dot that was used to hang it, which I said not to do. My sister hung it anyway and said "It'll be fine look" so a month and a half later it falls and I have to pick off all the blue sticky stuff she hung it with, which thins holes in the posters paper, and if that's not enough it's 4:32 and I have so much Geometry work to do tomorrow. I just wanted to sleep through the night. Then we I started my computer it up it stopped responding and I had to restart the whole thing. Plus I have a cough that hurts my throat every time I cough, along with a runny nose, do the fact that I have a cold. On a brighter note, four of my action figures for my collection shipped in. As of now I have Katniss, Rue, Peeta, and Gale from The Hunger Games. The four that have just shipped in was Buffy Summers from the episode "Primeval", Dawn Summers from the episode "Lessons" both of those were from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Winifred Burkle the only action figure they made of her before she became Illyria. I'm not sure which episode of Angel it is from but I know it's in season 3. Also from Buffy the Vampire Slayer was the Faith deluxe action figure from the episode "End Of Days". I am currently waiting on Cordelia Chase from the episode of Angel titled "You're Welcome"; which happens to be the episode she gets pronounced dead.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Stress

Stress

It's inevitable. It's annoying. It's everywhere. Stress. One of the perks of being young is that you have less stress. WRONG! Teenagers, although we may not have families to deal with yet, have as much stress if not more as adults. Like right now. It's after midnight and I have to be up to take my Ohio Graduation Test at 9. I can't sleep. I'm so worried that I might fail this test, that if I mess up or if I can't remember then I wont make it anywhere in life. My high school carreer will change after i take these tests. I'm a night persom, always have been. But now it's night and I need to sleep but I can't. Stress comes in many different shapes and sizes. It could be your best friend, family, a test, popularity, failute, dating, anything can bring on some sort of stress. Below I have listed some things I do to become less stressed. Try them out they may work for you too.

1. Take a deep breath.
   It may seen kind of cliche but it's true just take a minute to take a deep breath and clear your mind.
2.  Think through your choices.
  Take a second to think of how the choice you make might affect your every day life. If you're having dating problems think about you options, You could break up and thats usually the easiest but it's pretty bumpy at first, You could talk it through with your partner and see how they feel, or you could leave it alone and see where that takes you.
3. Take yourself to a different world.
  Many things can do this for you, whether it be music, writing, singing, dancing, find that one thing that you love and do it.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Suicide

 

Suicide

Something we've all heard of. It's real, It happens. Just because someone decides they're better than you and hound to the point of no return. They call you things like Faggot, Fatass, Ugly. They point out every flow down to the tiniest blemish on your face. They push you until you can't take anymore. They tell you how ashamed people are to know you. You have noone to stick up for you, not one person to come to your rescue. You sit at home and cry. You slide the metal blade across your wrist causing beads of dark red liquid to pour from you veins. You think that maybe if you just get deep enough one time everything would be over, and you would be free. Well you're right. But are you sure you want to be right. Everything you've done in life from cramming for hours for the exam to the poems and things you've doodled in your journal. You don't want life to be over, you just want it to be easier. You don't want to kill yourself. What you want to do is prove them wrong. You know they're wrong. If you just finish high school, and go on to get a job, or go to college, or even have a family. You could prove them wrong. Cause one day you will have a girl or guy who will love every part of you. You will have children running around you house, that look to you for encouragement and admire how amazing you are. You could influence them the way this influences you. Show you kids the bright side of life, the brighter side of love. If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thought or actions. Tell somebody, don't just sit by and wait for them to succeed stop them before they start. Send a link to the blog to anyone you know that is struggling. You could help show them what amazing things they could do. You could help save their life.

Alone

Alone.

I'm 15 years old, 16 in April, and I am alone. My family are the closet things I have to friends. I'm homeschooled, so I cant make friends from school, and I havent been to hang out with anyone but my cousin since Christmas. Sometimes I think to myself that it will all get better soon but I know it wont. I try my hardest to meet new people I even agreed to be in my sisters Harlem Shake video, but i'm not cool, or good looking, Im me, and me is horrible. I just wish I could wake up in a new body and that it would all be different but no matter how hard I wish, that wont happen. I was thinking about going back to school next year, to make new friends, but I'm overweight and gay, All I ever get at school is bullied. I hope things will change soon. I started this blog as I kind of journal where I can keep track of the things I do to change myself. Starting this summer, I'll work my hardest to lose weight , get my license, get a job, and make some new friends. Wish me luck.